Man, my throat hurts a lot right now.

You ask me: “Why?”

I’m a little surprised at this question, as I haven’t yet spoken to you. It’s like you responded to my thoughts. I stare at you for a second, then respond, “I had a cigarette before. Whatevs.”

“Oh,” you respond. “Word. I get it.”

We stare at each other in silence. I feel awkward.

“So,” I begin, unsure of where I’m even going with that lead-in. Remembering something I heard mentioned of a short while back, I bring up Birthday Boy Presents.

“Interesting.” You pause, then continue. “Presents…as in tangible presents, or as in the verb – ‘to present’?”

“Funny you should ask, because it’s both. A double entendre!”

You’re intrigued. You want to know more.

I indulge your curiosity and tell you more. “Yeah, Birthday Boy Presents. Birthday Boy for short. I know those guys. They’re pretty chill – Dan, Craig, Morgan, Racki, Will, Joe, Maura, Elizabeth Anne Czyzewski…”

“Hm,” you wonder. “Is that Polish?”

“Obviously,” I respond. “I was jk, though, when I told you that Maura and Liz were part of Birthday Boy. They’re not boys and they’re certainly not filmmakers, so they wouldn’t be part of such an upstanding group of young men.”

We look at each other for a beat. I take a sip of water. I excuse myself to use the restroom. I return. You’re asleep. I continue talking anyway because I have nothing better to do (and I’ve locked myself out of my house).

“I went to school with some of those guys. Dan, Morgan, Racki and Will went to high school together in Massachusetts. Craig is also from Massachusetts, though he met Dan in college…blah, blah, blah.”

I can tell you’re disinterested in what I’m saying. If you were interested, you wouldn’t be asleep. I see a cat outside and am inspired to go on. I play out a fake conversation between you and I in my head. Is “you and I” grammatically correct in that instance?”

“Those boys moved to Los Angeles and decided to continue the film collective they established back on the east coast. They’ve done some pretty great things, including this short film called The Bicycle Thief.”

I wait for your response but then remember that you’re actually sleeping and I’m playing this scenario out in my head. I’ve run out of creativity and don’t really want to continue this farce.

“Forget you,” I sneer. “Birthday Boy Presents is too good for you anyway.”

You snore. I leave.

[To see what Elizabeth is talking about, go here.
To see more of Elizabeth talking about things, go here.
I love you.]